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If this would have been a topic at another stage in my life, then I would probably be excited to talk about “the dress.” It would be about a dress I found for just the right occasion that is the perfect fit, perfect style. A dress that I’m really excited about that I feel confident and sexy wearing. I can think of one specific dress I wore on my honeymoon that fits this description. When you talk about “the dress” it should be in a positive light. Well, not this dress! The dress I’m telling you about really ruined my day today. Here’s why . . .

I have a lot of things in my closet that I haven’t worn recently. I need to purge like I’m sure lots of us do to get rid of the crap I don’t wear. Some of the things I need to purge are even maternity! My youngest just turned five years old! I need a freaking intervention. Why the hell do I still have maternity clothes in my closet? I will tell you why. It’s because they are comfortable, they are loose, and I don’t feel like my tummy bulge shows when I wear them. I also have clothes that aren’t maternity but I wore them while I was pregnant so I still think of them that way. The dress I’m talking about right now, “THE DRESS”, fits in this last category. It’s a very high waisted blue pattern summer dress. It has the empire waist right below my boobs and then has pleats from there. It’s not necessarily a maternity dress, but I wore it during my last pregnancy because of the style.

I have not worn this particular dress much over the last five years because every time I put it on I feel like it makes me look pregnant. Well guess what?!?! I found out today I was right!! So, my weight fluctuates and my tummy is not as flat as it could be, but I’m comfortable with my body. I have not worn this stupid ass dress since this summer because I didn’t want to look pregnant. I love this dress, but every time I would put it on, I would take it right off because I thought I looked pregnant!

Well, now it’s September. The weather is cooler, so I thought now I can finally wear that dress. I’m thinking if I wear it with my boots and denim jacket, I will be good. The jacket will hide the problem area and my worries of looking pregnant will not be an issue. I did not think twice when I put the outfit on today. I wore it to work. I do healthcare marketing, so I pretty much work out of my car. I’m in and out of doctor’s offices and facilities all day.

It’s mid-day and I stop into one of the Assisted Livings I work with on a regular basis. I’m standing in the front entry waiting to speak with the Director of Nursing and this UPS man walks in the front door. He’s very friendly and outgoing, so we start talking. We are talking about how much cooler it is outside and how you could tell it is officially the end of summer. Then, guess what he said to me?? He said, "Now you both stay warm!" I don’t remember if these were his exact words. It might have been “you both” or “ya’ll” or “you guys”. What I do remember was he used the PLURAL form of YOU! Now if it weren’t for the next part, I might have thought someone was just standing beside me or he was referring to all the employees and residents in the building. Nope, he RUBBED HIS OWN BELLY while he said it! I don’t know who the hell this guy is but who I thought was a super nice guy just ruined my day! I just smiled at him and didn’t say a thing and walked the other direction. I’M NOT PREGGO!

I sucked it in and didn’t take a single breath for the rest of the day and I’m never wearing that dress again. That’s one less dress in my closet! If you ever wonder if someone might be expecting, don’t say it! I have thought it from time to time, but never said anything unless I knew for sure! Don’t be like this guy! I’m really ticked that even with my jacket I still look pregnant in my blue dress. When I got home, I had my oldest take a picture of me. Damn UPS man was right! I do look pregnant!

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